Tuesday, 7 April 2020

To my daughter...

If I am one of those who don't make it through this pandemic, this is what I want my daughter to know...

To Marianna,

This is the sort of thing I should have done before now, really. But it always felt too morbid. Too fatalistic. Like I was inviting death, somehow, by making preparations.

But the truth is that I might not make it through this.

2020 may well be the last year I get to write in my diary.

If it is, I want you to know that I'm proud of you. Whatever you've done, whoever you've become - I'm so very proud of you for continuing on without me.

You changed my life in every single way, turned it upside down and inside out, and I'm grateful for every moment I've been able to spend with you. I've watched you grow from a tiny helpless baby into a little girl with her own thoughts, values and opinions.

I love you for always wanting to know why, who, how. For never being content with a half hearted answer, and for insisting on my full attention.

Before you I didn't know who I was or what I wanted but now, though I might struggle sometimes with the day to day, there are things I am absolutely certain of. I'm your mum, and you're my daughter, and I love you more than anything.

I want you to be happy, whatever form that takes for you. It's not about how many exams you pass or how much money you make - it's about what you want and how you feel. If you're content, that's all that matters. In my eyes you're already the best, by far, and all I've ever wanted is for you to enjoy the life you're living.

You've made me happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be.

I wish I could see them all but if five years is all I'm given, I want you to know that I'd sooner have had five years with you than forever without you.

All my love,
Mum xxx

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