Friday, 4 September 2015

Ten Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Baby

10 Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Baby

Or maybe they did, and you just weren't listening...

Marianna sat in a box

#10. Bodily Fluids

I was prepared for the poo. I mean, everybody tells you about the poo. Nobody mentions a baby's miraculous ability to empty the bladder of more liquid than they can ever have ingested every twelve minutes. Or the sick. The warm, slimy, seeping sick. Ugh.

#9. Toys

You buy the best you can afford to turn your little one's toy box into an all singing, all dancing, battery guzzling, award winning pre-school paradise. Your baby prefers to play with the remote control and an empty crisp packet.

Marianna with a sign saying, 'Rawr, I'm a dinosaur'
Babies also make strange noises. Plus fart raspberry noises. Really loud ones when you're on the bus or at the check out. They know what they're doing.

#8. Early Mornings

At first, of course, you're feeding on demand and concepts like 'morning', 'day', 'night' and 'sleep' can feel like a distant memory. Once your baby starts sleeping through, the tempting idea of 'late to bed, late to rise' accosts you. Don't give in. No matter what time your little darling closes his or her eyes, they'll be opening them again at 6:00 am at the latest.

#7. Breast vs. Bottle

There is no way to win with this one. Breast feed and face discrimination, angst, and misery. Bottle feed and face discrimination, angst, and misery. If you're truly a glutton for punishment, why not mix the two and enjoy all the judgement associated with both options?

Marianna rolling around on the floor
Sometimes they look like weird little alien offspring. You'll feel guilty, but you'll think it anyway.

#6. Parenthood is a Woman's World

It doesn't matter a jot if Dad is the one home with the baby, Mum is still the one the professionals expect to see. Even when we were both in the room, I was still the one they were talking to, my explanations that Anthony would be the one implementing their advice falling on deaf ears. Women can do it all in the 21st Century, it's true, but rarely all at exactly the same time.

#5. An Oasis of Calm

On the subject of work, it suddenly becomes a much more appealing prospect. Don't get me wrong, you will cry when you go back - how will Lambkins ever cope without me!? - but once you get there it's so void of bodily fluids (hopefully) and kids' TV (presumably) a tiny part of you is sad when it's time to go home again.

Marianna looking up
When they look up at you with those baby blues you can refuse them nothing. Even your sanity.

#4. Kids' TV

They don't make it like they used to. They have silly names, and silly songs, and silly amounts of accompanying merchandise on the shelves of every major supermarket. Do the smart thing and buy your old favourites on DVD. Marianna (and I) have had great fun watching Zippy and Bungle, singing the Fish song, and scouring eBay for Rainbow annuals, mugs and plushies. Er...

#3. Time Speeds Up

Pregnancy went on and on and on. (And on.) Babyhood races past in the blink of an eye. Marianna is already eight months old. By the time I was eight months pregnant it felt like I had been playing host to a baby for roughly 267 years. Yet there were still at least another four weeks of it ahead of me.

"Cool Story, Bro." I'm getting too old for this s***.

#2. Due Dates Mean Nothing

Your due date is the one thing that keeps you going when water retention, heartburn and Braxton Hicks conspire against you. Only 5% of babies are born on their due date. The rest of them come when they damn well please. Those birth plans your ante-natal class leader made you write up? Forget those too. The baby is in the driving seat now - when it comes to ruling your life, they start as they mean to go on.

#1. It's All Worth It

It really is. 

They're not just saying that.

Me and Marianna

Advice From The HeartLife Love and Dirty DishesBabi a FiMidwife and Life


  1. aww that's lovely and all very true. Why is it they can also aim the sock between your boobs and down your bra? or is that just me :) #MaternityMondays

    1. Haha, so true! The worst was when she got her dad in the beard. Yuck! :)

  2. Aww lovely and so true! Your breast vs bottle and kids tv made me chuckle :)


    1. Hehe, there are so many new debates to get your head around as soon as you become a mum! :)

  3. Haha this is brilliant. So true about the toys - I feel like a crap parent when friends come around and Taylor's playing with an empty shoe box and an old handbag - I've given up on buying snazzy toys! I also found it so odd how the health visitors etc would never address Dad - what century are we in again?? She is super cute by the way! Thanks for sharing #maternitymondays

    1. Thank you! At the moment her favourite toy is a cut off bit of an old leather belt. It does nothing, makes no noise, nothing. She just loves waving it around! :)

  4. So true! Number nine made me laugh out loud as recently we have got the small boy a train set and a toy farm and the other day he played with an empty milk bottle for forty minutes! Thanks for linking #fromtheheart

  5. It really is all worth it. Eventually. All true! #fridayfrolics

  6. Number three! It goes so quick, but pregnancy takes forever! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    1. It really does - I've yet to forget about the experience, the way everyone assured me I would! :)

  7. I don't want to scare you, but mine is almost 8 years old and 6 am is sleeping in around here. HA HA!

    Great list, funny, but oh so accurate.

  8. This was a great list, and I loved all the adorable photos and your hilarious captions! #FridayFrivolity

  9. This is so sweet, you know it all before you have children, but you don't believe it or have no experience! I agree with all of these. Thanks so much for linking up to #stickyfingers, hope to see you again next week x

    1. I definitely thought I knew it all - I'd read all the books! ;)


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